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Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, by Dr. Karyl McBride Ph.D.
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The first book for daughters who have suffered the abuse of selfish, self-involved mothers, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? provides the expert assistance you need in order to overcome this debilitating history and reclaim your life. Drawing on more than two decades of experience as a therapist specializing in women’s health and hundreds of interviews with suffering daughters, Dr. Karyl McBride helps you recognize the widespread effects of this emotional abuse and create an individualized program for self-protection, resolution, and complete recovery.
Narcissistic mothers teach their daughters that love is not unconditional, that it is given only when they behave in accordance with maternal expectations and whims. As adults, these daughters have difficulty overcoming feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, emotional emptiness, and sadness. They may also have a fear of abandonment that leads them to form unhealthy romantic relationships, as well as a tendency to perfectionism and unrelenting self-criticism or to self-sabotage and frustration. Dr. McBride’s step-by-step program will enable you to:
(1) Recognize your own experience with maternal narcissism and its effects on all aspects of your life
(2) Discover how you have internalized verbal and nonverbal messages from your mother and how these have translated into overachievement or self-sabotage
(3) Construct a personalized program to take control of your life and enhance your sense of self, establishing healthy boundaries with your mother and breaking the legacy of abuse
Warm and sympathetic, Dr. McBride brings a profound level of authority to Will I Ever Be Good Enough? that encourages and inspires you as it aids your recovery.
- Sales Rank: #2017 in Books
- Brand: Atria Books
- Published on: 2009-09-08
- Released on: 2009-09-08
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.44" h x .70" w x 5.50" l, .50 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 243 pages
Features
From Publishers Weekly
Starred Review. After 26 years of practice, therapist McBride discovered a distressing commonality with her female patients: a narcissistic mother. I had treated scores of women who shared many of the same symptoms.... oversensitivity, indecisiveness, self-consciousness, lack of self-trust, inability to succeed in relationships, lack of confidence... and a general sense of insecurity, McBride writes, and she ties these traits to growing up without a nurturing maternal figure. According to the author, as many as 1.5 million American women have narcissistic personality disorder and can be detected by their self-absorption, inability to empathize and fixation with looks and appearance. McBride presents specific steps toward recovery that daughters of any age can use as they grieve for the love and support they didn't receive, set healthy boundaries with their mothers and access an internal mother as a source of self-comforting. The author provides parenting tips as well as advice on maintaining healthy love relationships and friendships—all of which tend to be weak points of the daughters of narcissistic mothers. An excellent bibliography rounds out this revealing book, which ends on a hopeful and pragmatic note. (Sept.)
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Review
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough? illuminates a very common and unnamed wound -- the wound that results from growing up with a narcissistic mother. In this engaging book, Karyl McBride provides a clear, honest, and effective way to heal this wound and live life fully and joyfully." -- Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of Mother-Daughter Wisdom, The Wisdom of Menopause, and Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom
"Dr. Karyl McBride has convened a fellowship of female voices to describe every flavor of experience with maternal narcissism. However marginalized from the mainstream of mother-daughter relationships you may have felt before this, you are no longer alone on the road to recovery." -- Sandy Hotchkiss, Psy.D., L.C.S.W., author of Why Is It Always About You?
"Narcissistic mothers are always there when they need you. They expect to be the center of attention, and they can be cruel if they don't get what they want. Learning how to set boundaries with narcissistic mothers is a complex challenge. Dr. McBride offers a step-by-step approach to understanding narcissism, setting limits on the abuse, and recovering from the psychological damage. This book is a must read for every woman living in the shadow of a domineering, self-focused parent." -- Nanette Gartrell, M.D., author of My Answer Is NO...If That's Okay with You
"The long-term destructive consequences that narcissistic parents have for their children are well known. Until now, however, there has been little in the way of helpful advice for those who were raised by these parents. In this insightful new book, Dr. McBride presents a detailed examination of narcissistic mothers and the harmful effects on their daughters. She also offers practical, step-by-step guidance for working through these issues. This book is a terrific resource for those women raised by narcissistic mothers and looking for strategies for change." -- W. Keith Campbell, Ph.D., author of When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough? is an amazing journey out of pain. Providing true professional guidance and clarity, Dr. Karyl McBride heaps in genuine love and kindness. This book is like having an ideal therapist at your convenience, who really helps you heal self-doubt and self-rejection. Every page is milk and honey to your soul." -- Tama J. Kieves, author of This Time I Dance! Creating the Work You Love (How One Harvard Lawyer Left It All to Have It All!)
Review
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough? illuminates a very common and unnamed wound -- the wound that results from growing up with a narcissistic mother. In this engaging book, Karyl McBride provides a clear, honest, and effective way to heal this wound and live life fully and joyfully." -- Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of Mother-Daughter Wisdom, The Wisdom of Menopause, and Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom
"Dr. Karyl McBride has convened a fellowship of female voices to describe every flavor of experience with maternal narcissism. However marginalized from the mainstream of mother-daughter relationships you may have felt before this, you are no longer alone on the road to recovery." -- Sandy Hotchkiss, Psy.D., L.C.S.W., author of Why Is It Always About You?
"Narcissistic mothers are always there when they need you. They expect to be the center of attention, and they can be cruel if they don't get what they want. Learning how to set boundaries with narcissistic mothers is a complex challenge. Dr. McBride offers a step-by-step approach to understanding narcissism, setting limits on the abuse, and recovering from the psychological damage. This book is a must read for every woman living in the shadow of a domineering, self-focused parent." -- Nanette Gartrell, M.D., author of My Answer Is NO...If That's Okay with You
"The long-term destructive consequences that narcissistic parents have for their children are well known. Until now, however, there has been little in the way of helpful advice for those who were raised by these parents. In this insightful new book, Dr. McBride presents a detailed examination of narcissistic mothers and the harmful effects on their daughters. She also offers practical, step-by-step guidance for working through these issues. This book is a terrific resource for those women raised by narcissistic mothers and looking for strategies for change." -- W. Keith Campbell, Ph.D., author of When You Love a Man Who Loves Himself
"Will I Ever Be Good Enough? is an amazing journey out of pain. Providing true professional guidance and clarity, Dr. Karyl McBride heaps in genuine love and kindness. This book is like having an ideal therapist at your convenience, who really helps you heal self-doubt and self-rejection. Every page is milk and honey to your soul." -- Tama J. Kieves, author of This Time I Dance! Creating the Work You Love (How One Harvard Lawyer Left It All to Have It All!)
Most helpful customer reviews
1119 of 1126 people found the following review helpful.
Oh My God was this worthwhile
By D. E. Quigley
Reading this book was an incredibly validating experience. I have never written a book review in my life but I believe that this work is essential for daughters of narcissistic mothers. I am 45 years old and have been in counseling for 4 years with a great counselor to address my mom's Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I have had difficulties in the denial and acceptance department; it seems that cognitively I know that my mother doesn't have the capacity to ever be warm, loving, or empathetic. However,I have had many instances where I just thought well maybe I am just the nutty girl and go back into denial. My counselor has spent hours upon hours discussing the harm that comes from being raised by a narcissistic mother. And, yes, I have read many books on narcissism. The difference with this book is that it is written from a first hand experience and includes very specific exchanged between the narcissistic mother and the "still" seeking daughter. In reading this book I must have said oh my God hundreds of times. I made margin notes where I wrote "yep" next to so many scenarios, feelings, yearnings, lowered self esteem, being self critical, the workaholism (I am a practicing trial attorney), and the issues with respect to brothers being treated differently. I am the only daughter and I have 3 brothers who had vastly different experiences with my mother. They are all perfect princes and I am the one that is constantly criticized and judged. For many years I have grappled with my brothers' experience versus mine and it was crazy-making. This book explains that daughters of narcissistic mothers may be subject to projection, jealousy, and envy because you are viewed as her extension (or shadow). It finally made sense. IF YOU ARE A DAUGHTER OF A NARCISSIST MOTHER THIS IS THE MOST HONEST AND FORTHRIGHT BOOK THAT I HAVE COME ACROSS AND IT IS ONE THAT I WILL USE AS A REFERENCE GUIDE FOR GROUNDING AND VALIDATION ON A REGULAR BASIS.
364 of 376 people found the following review helpful.
Finally!
By Aurora
Finally a book about narcissistic mothers that describes the subtle nature of emotional neglect and abuse and kills the myth that all mothers are benevolent! It's hard to heal the narcissitic wound when it is a result of emotional neglect and put downs and there is no physical bruise or easy explanation like "my mother is an alcoholic". I've been in therapy for approx. 18 years and still struggle with a lifetime of never being good enough and still being placed in competition with my mother by her (even though she is 80). I was glad to hear that it's okay to have little or no contact with a narcissitic mother, since I've struggled with the guilt about having a mother like her and feel that her distancing herself from me is my fault and I am responsible for the relationship and for fixing it.
One section in the book that I did not agree with was the author's comments that the daughter should not show any anger or frustration toward the narcissitic mother. One important aspect of my healing was to stand up to my mother and demonstrate my separateness and that I too am accomplished. (I had never rebelled as a teenager, since it was essentially forbidden with the unspoken threat love would be withheld.) Even though this turned out to be a threat to her it was important for me to see that I have my own sense of power apart from her. I've also tried to reach out in ways trying to build bridges that would put as on equal footing. This was to no avail but these steps have been important in my trying to build the communication with her and determine I'd done everything in my power to try and make a relationship work. It's even harder to be the daughter of a narcissistic mother when the theological messages coming from her were that disobedient children are evil and she was picked out as special by God from the time she was 8.
This book offers hope and resonated so much with my experience. Those childhood abandonment fears and post-traumatic stress reactions still happen to me but I know where they are coming from and I continue to fight through them with hope.
281 of 293 people found the following review helpful.
Finally Validation
By Mary
I just received this book and I'm almost finished. A lot of it reads true to my own life. Although I don't think my mother was exceptionally cruel she was heavy with the hand and put a great deal of responsibility on me as a child. The criticism never ends. I am an overachiever but can't manage to take a compliment. My self esteem on the outside seems high but in all actuality it's in the toilet. My mother was very jealous of my relationship with my father and has never seemed to be able to be happy about any of my successes. My brother on the other hand was a prince to her and we were treated very differently and still are. I've beaten myself up until reading this book. Finally the validation I needed to deal with the pain of not being able to truly bond with my mother. My ex-boyfriend who is Borderline kept insisting that my mother was Borderline also but the more research I did I realized she was Narcissistic and this book confirmed it. It has helped me to heal, to forgive her, to stop blaming myself and to take a good look at my own behavior towards my children. I can see some of the cycle continuing and I'm working on being less critical and demanding of my own children. This book was an absolute God send and I highly recommend it. There has been an incredible weight lifted knowing that I am not unlovable but had a mother who was incapable of loving. I want to ensure that my children never have to feel that way. It's a lot of work but I catch myself now and I'm able to correct my own behavior.
Just an update. Since purchasing this book, in addition to therapy, co-dependency recovery work and reading other books on the topic, I've had more insight into my own dynamics. There are more than one type of narcissist and one in particular that went under the radar for me is the covert narcissist. My mother is an overt narcissist, the kind that is portrayed in this book however I discovered my father is a covert narcissist, along with my brothers girlfriend who has made my life a living hell. I also realized that although I was my mothers scape goat and my brother was her golden child, I was my fathers golden child and my brother was his scape goat. Once I started to focus on the strange behavior my father had over the years such as love bombing and baiting and hovering I called him out on his narcissistic tendencies while going through grief counseling I experienced his wrath and was instantly made his scape goat and my brothers girlfriend assumed my old role of golden child. My father told me that if I didn't apologize for something that I didn't do, it would have to basically write me off, stop speaking to me. This was so traumatic for me, I couldn't understand what was happening but now that I do, it is so much easier to weather the storm of all the drama and just disconnect. Up until then, I just assumed my mother was controlling him but she isn't he is just as narcissistic as he is, I just never saw it because I never went against his authority and he adored me. They are not capable of empathy of unconditional love.
I also want to say that my mother saw this book sitting on my nightstand and lost her mind, told me I was a terrible daughter, that she was not narcissistic, she was very angry with me. My boyfriend died and I was going through grief counseling and she and my father (who is usually subjected to her opinions) insisted that I stop seeing the therapist. Honestly I wouldn't have made it through the grief without therapy, but they didn't like therapy because it was unearthing the family dynamics.
She also told me that my problem was I was too smart and if I ever wanted to meet someone and settle down I would need to get rid of my books and stop reading. Keep in mind my mother dropped out of school at the age of 15. So just a recap, this book allows me to take these comments for what they are - her own low self esteem. Before reading this book, I would actually believe the things she was saying and internalize them, not anymore.
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